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Having a newborn is a special time for you and your husband.
There’s nothing quite like bringing home a new bundle and settling into a new life together. With all the changes happening during that time, you’re also finding that your normal routines also have changed. From new sleeping schedules to new demands on your time, it may be challenging to find meaningful ways to connect with your husband.
Think about why this is happening. Your body is recovering from the baby and you have a new little person who depends on you for everything. You’re nursing or feeding constantly and sleep is hard to come by. It may be more challenging to also feel like connecting since you’re both tired and under additional stress.
It’s not a bad thing to recognize that things have changed, so looking at your situation honestly is the first step to work on your relationship. Knowing how to reconnect with your husband after having a baby is possible though.
If you’re not sure where to get started, these are a few simple and actionable tips that you can use to move forward.
You’ll also have some ideas of resources that you can use to help you and your husband rekindle the flame.
Reconnecting after a Baby
You and your partner are settling into a routine with a baby and you’re probably trying to figure out how to manage your daily list of things to do. You can get into a rut by trying to do everything or just by doing the same things every day. Maybe if you’re feeding your baby every day, your partner can share the role by giving the bottles or change and burp the baby after a feeding.
By switching up and sharing some of the responsibilities, you’ll be sharing the burden and also getting some alone time with your baby. Sharing the responsibility is also going to help you both in your relationship. As you both take on the tasks, you can share the interesting parts and the frustrations as well.
Being able to experience what’s going on as your baby grows is going to help you both.
Depending on your schedules, you may have to adjust and it’s likely that one person will take on more responsibility. However, try not to keep score but focus on sharing what you can.
Let Others Help You
When you’re a new parent, you find that all of your free time has gone away. Maybe you used to go to the gym frequently, out for pedicures, or spent hours making sure that your home was spotless.
However, you can’t do it all and you shouldn’t expect to either. One of the best ways to free up space for yourself and your husband to reconnect is to accept some help. If you have friends or relatives in the area, they may already be asking for ways that they can help.
Don’t feel bad about taking people up on offers. From bringing meals by to simply being with the baby while you take a nap, having this help is a great way to free up mental space so that you and your husband have time to reconnect. If you have the ability to hire some part-time help, then you should do it.
It takes a village to raise a child so a few hours of childcare or help with cleaning can make a world of difference. Take the time that you have to focus on yourself as well as you and your husband’s relationship. It may not be the same focus you had before kids, but you can still make time to prioritize each other with some outside help.
Plan a Date Night
Chances are that you’ll have to have some dedicated child care to do this but, if possible, establish a regular date night. If you can’t do this every week, try to at least plan for every other week.
This ensures that you are both spending time with each other and building your relationship. Even if you can’t go out regularly, try to schedule something that’s as simple as taking a walk together around the neighborhood or enjoying a meal together while someone’s caring for the baby in the nursery room. Just because you’re parents, doesn’t mean you stop dating.
One of the barriers to having a date night is thinking that it has to be a major event. Creative options to get out of the house certainly don’t though.
You can even plant to spend an evening cuddling on the couch with a favorite TV show and a bottle of wine. Small moments of connection may not seem like much, but they go a long way to building a relationship and giving you a break from your busy day.
Even if you only have an hour or two together, make it a priority to have this happen.
Make Plans as a Family
When your baby is growing up, leaving the house can seem stressful for new parents. What do you do if your baby cries or if there aren’t places to change your baby? Doing events and activities together as a family though is important for you and your partner. After all, if you stay inside until your baby is independent, you may never leave the house! Being out and about with your husband and baby give you a change to learn new ways of experiencing the world and each other. It can be stressful but also bring you both closer together.
Make sure that you follow your doctor’s recommendations about taking the baby out, especially in cold and flu season. If you’re nervous, plan for a short trip that’s only going to be an hour or two such as the farmer’s market or a local park. Look for things that you can do where you can leave if your child needs to go home. After a while, you’ll be more confident with other events. By setting expectations ahead of time, you and your partner can enjoy this time together and understand that you’ll have more outings in the future.
Resources for Reconnecting
These simple five steps are great ways to start learning how do I reconnect with my husband after baby, but it may not always be enough. After all, you may find yourself facing more challenges that these five steps simply can’t resolve on their own.
When you experience this, it may be best to have some additional tools on the ready. These are a few other ways that couples have used to find their relationship after bringing a baby into the family.
The title of this book may be unnerving to some, but it’s an amusing and remarkably helpful tool that new parents can use. Women who read this book found that they appreciated the gems of insight and advice that the author provided. From organization to intimacy, the author relates what worked and didn’t work for her family, providing her own stories. You’ll read through this book and find validation as well as useful strategies that you can implement.
When reading through the reviews of this book, moms note that reading it helped them to not feel so alone. Being a new parent can feel isolating so having this tool handy may be helpful to not only feel better about yourself but also your marriage. Consider reading this book before having kids but it’s a great tool for anyone with kids.
Book: After the Baby
This book is a research-based tool that child advocate Kruse Nordin wrote after interviewing more than 200 couples over a 10-year period. Nordin goes through the stress of bringing a new member of the family into the world, even the second or third child.
The findings are that this new addition often leads to arguments, emotional distance, and a difficulty cooperating. Couples often lose the intimacy that they had before kids when they need to pull together most.
Nordin provides a less amusing but very helpful book which examines the most common issues couples face and has concrete examples on how to solve them. If you’re the type of person who needs these concrete steps and appreciates an attention to detail, this book is going to be a great tool for you to have.
Connection Exercise: Make a Circle
This is a game that couples may want to use in order to reconnect. It can be hard to make yourself do this exercise but it’s a great way to get back to basics.
Take the time to do this exercise and approach it openly and nonjudgmentally. With the exercise, you sit facing each other.
One person starts by asking a question such as “what are you grateful for?” The questions can range from silly to serious and you can even use a common list of conversation starters to keep yourselves on track.
Chances are that you’ll find that while the results may be silly, serious, or revealing, they’re a great and simple way to find some connection. They’ll also help you get more than tense answers when you’re feeling stressed.
This can be an exercise that you do occasionally or on a weekly basis. It may not work for you but ask your husband to try it at least a few times.
Connection Activity: Touch Each Other
Reconnecting with your husband is more than just emotional connections. It’s also a physical connection which may be more challenging after a baby. Your body may take more time to recover than you’d planned or you simply might not be in the mood for all types of connection.
However, keep in mind that there is more to intimacy. Getting physical doesn’t have to be sexual but it’s important to be intimate. Even a hug before you both get ready for the day can change how you feel about each other.
Outside of a sexual relationship, try to think of ways and times that you can really touch each other. You could give each other a massage or take a bath.
Cuddle together on the couch and really feel yourselves with each other. Anything when you’re focusing on each other and enjoying the physical pleasure of it can help you feel more emotionally connected. You may find that it also increases your desire for each other.
Intimacy Exercise: Get Creative
As a new parent, you’ve probably already had to be creative when it comes to tasks such as getting the laundry done, getting a meal ready, and any number of more standard tasks.
But, what about getting creative with each other? When you’re a new mom, you’ll find that your body has changed and your desires may as well. In fact, this is the perfect time to think outside the box when it comes to reconnecting sexually with your husband.
One couple that was interviewed noted that she and her husband liked to go out to the movies and make out there. It felt fun and forbidden, like they were teenagers again. Another couple found that they liked going to a space closet. Not only was it a kid-free space, it felt slightly naughty while still being safe for both of them.
You don’t have to make a huge effort but think about ways that you could be creative. Maybe there are fantasies for both of you that you haven’t yet explored. Some couples find that they feel like their physical intimacy gets better after having kids but it takes time to get there.
Enjoy the Journey
Having a baby is a huge time of change but it also goes by fast, as experienced parents will tell you. These steps and tips can help you get through the early months and reconnect with your husband.
Most people find that they struggle initially so don’t be worried about needing some help. You’ll find that working on your relationship will help to make it stronger and more sustainable in the future.